If I try to summarize the theme of 2022, it would be "Era and Destiny" for me.
Melody#
This is not a theme that I have only started to feel in 2022, but the theme of "Era and Destiny" that I have felt before was always somewhat elusive. I knew it was there, but I didn't know where it was. However, in the past year, I seemed to be able to see it very clearly.
In less than a month, I will be turning 25, and it will have been four years since my favorite age - 21. When I was 21, it seemed like I had no burdens, no love for anyone, and no desire to love anyone. I lived passionately and recklessly. That year, I found my first job in the blockchain industry, even though it was an internship, but I felt like I was heading towards the future I wanted. Era and destiny? At that time, I could hardly understand it. I only believed in what I wanted to believe and I only felt that the future was full of possibilities.
When I was 22, I vaguely felt that something was changing. Maybe it started from the day Dr. Li Wenliang died, maybe it started from the formal implementation of the National Security Law, or maybe it started from the depression expressed by friends far away. I increasingly felt that there was something I wanted to grasp but couldn't. It was like standing by a frozen lake in a blizzard, trying hard to listen to the roar of the wind, but even with all my efforts, I could only barely open my eyes against the wind and snow on my cheeks. The only thing I didn't doubt at that time was my outlook on the future: "2020 is the best year of the next ten years."
When I was 23, I began to feel a lot of pressure and anxiety in reality. There were many moments of exhaustion and breakdown, but I was still fortunate: I found a career that I loved. I somewhat regained my longing and enthusiasm for the world. I once generously wrote down my promise for the future: "Commit my heart until the high walls collapse." The entire industry was vibrant at that time, with many bubbles, but everyone had confidence and enthusiasm. At that time, my understanding of destiny was more of a sense of urgency. Looking back now, it seems that I also briefly experienced a relatively peaceful period that year.
24, which is the past year of 2022. Whether it's my life, the industry I'm in, or the whole world, there has been too much turbulence. I finally understand what an era is - it is not a numerical interval designated by a certain calendar system, but the result of the accumulation of all past causes and unpredictable random factors. The river of time is vast, and our short lives are just a grain of sand on the riverbank. And now, we are in a turbulent era of decline and falling. Certainty is decreasing, and every day, in order to survive, we have to use enough wisdom and expend enough energy. It's like floating on a vast sea with many pieces of driftwood. We stand on the end of a piece of driftwood that is about to sink, and before it sinks, we need to find another piece of driftwood with one end raised and jump over, until this end also becomes the sinking end, and then, it starts all over again. And most likely, our short lives will have to play such a cat-and-mouse game with destiny. This is probably the limitation of the era.
Destiny, for me, is not just a sense of urgency anymore. I feel more inevitability in it. The future is unpredictable, but it seems that no matter how the world changes, there are some similar inevitabilities in the end - what you cannot change, what torments you in this life, what troubles you, it's all predetermined. It seems that I can see the foreshadowing of destiny more clearly, but I also know what I have to endure, and I can't escape from it. It may sound a bit pessimistic, but from another perspective, I can also accept all of this more calmly: if this is how the era and destiny are, if I cannot escape the limitations of the era and cannot resist destiny, then why not just go all the way, and if it is unnecessary, then I choose "unnecessary". At least I can choose the pain of being awake. I want to be a Sisyphus who keeps pushing the rock.
Although my favorite age is 21, I certainly don't want to go back to being 21. Even though four years have passed, I have lost some of the passion and recklessness, and many aspects have become more restrained, but I also live less awkwardly. Moreover, the transition from abstract love to more concrete practice will have less romance and more restraint, but the unity of knowledge and action is what I want to pursue. What is more important is that I am now more powerful than my 21-year-old self, even though I still often feel lost in these years and don't know what kind of person I want to become, at least I want to be a strong and powerful woman, and I am confident that I am on this path.
Yes, I am looking forward to my 25th birthday.
Review#
Footprints#
In 2022, I stayed in the following cities for 7 days or more: Shanghai, Beijing, Xi'an, Dali, Hangzhou. I didn't realize that I stayed in Hangzhou for so long until I calculated it, it turned out to be about eight or nine days, but I have no impression of what I did there. The city I miss the most must be Dali, and the city with the most complex emotions must be Shanghai.
In addition, I stayed in the following cities for 1 day or more: Sanya, Haikou, Changsha, Pingxiang, Hohhot.
Although I didn't go anywhere for two months due to the lockdown, 2022 was still the most wandering year in recent years. However, it was precisely because of the two months of lockdown experience that I became more determined with this attitude: things I want to do must not be postponed until tomorrow; people I want to see, even if there are mountains and rivers between us, I will go to meet them. So after the lifting of the lockdown in Shanghai, I seized the opportunity to exercise my "freedom of movement" as much as possible. This impulsive enthusiasm may cause trouble for others, but no matter how I think about it, I can only admit and accept that I have no other choice. All other choices make me feel like I am no longer "me". I also understand the expectations and demands hidden in this enthusiasm, which will be the source of much of my pain. But this is what I have to endure, this is the destiny I feel.
Devices#
The most noteworthy thing is that I shamefully fell into the gentle embrace of Apple gradually over the past year. I always boasted that open source is my belief, and I even wrote a blog post about my difficult experience of choosing a tablet as an open source believer, but in the end, I succumbed to convenience - Apple is really great.
When I was at home, I planned to use a Dell Linux workstation as my main computer, but as I spent more time on the road, I gradually became more dependent on the lightweight and long-lasting Mac. Unable to resist the temptation of the rich sports-related features, I finally bought an Apple Watch and an iPhone SE. Because the iPhone SE is too lightweight and compact, and the synergy with the Mac is too smooth, its usage frequency has become very high, from being a backup device to almost becoming the main device. Finally, I also got AirPods...
But in November last year, when Apple announced restrictions on the Airdrop feature in China, I realized that it was time to try to climb out of Apple's gentle embrace.
Reading and Writing#
I don't have the habit of marking the books I have read because I have some obsession with the ownership of data related to books, movies, etc., so I don't use Douban much. I do intermittent local organization, but I haven't persisted with it. Based on my impression, I probably didn't read many books last year, maybe just over ten. It may be a coincidence, but fate has brought too many things, and most of the time, I have been in a state of turmoil, making it difficult to focus, especially during the two months of lockdown when my mental state was really bad (see After is a kind of numbness different from apathy｜That was a grand PUA), and I could hardly read a single line.
Although I didn't read many books last year, I still want to briefly review the authors I love over the years. When I was a girl, I loved Sanmao the most, and "The Stories of Sahara" was the initial reason why I wanted to learn Spanish. Starting from "No Longer Human," for a long time, I was obsessed with Osamu Dazai and couldn't extricate myself. Later, after reading "De Profundis," I was attracted and convinced by Oscar Wilde's talent and deep emotions. And last year, my favorite was Albert Camus, and I loved the sentence "Absurdity reigns, love saves." In this troubled world, the gentle Camus gave me a lot of courage.
In terms of writing, I only wrote a little bit sporadically. The place where I write short essays is still Telegram, and the place where I write long essays has gradually shifted from atlasoin.xyz to atlas.xlog.app (more focused on lifestyle blogs) and atlas-thinking.xlog.app (more focused on Web3 blogs). (This person doesn't write much, but splits the brand quite a lot)
Health#
I have always paid attention to my health in terms of thoughts because I have many things I want to do, so I greedily want to live longer to have more time. However, in terms of practice, it seems that I don't have much persuasiveness.
The worst aspect is my sleep schedule, which is not only late but also extremely irregular. Most of the time last year, my bedtime was randomly distributed between midnight and three in the morning, but during the months of September to November, my schedule was very stable, and I almost slept around four in the morning every day and woke up at noon.
In terms of diet and exercise, I have done relatively well, although due to the irregular sleep schedule, my eating times are also highly irregular. Although I have a coffee addiction and alcohol dependence, overall, I have developed a habit of eating a lot of vegetables and subconsciously trying to balance the nutritional composition of my food. In terms of exercise, although there were times when I didn't exercise for two months, overall, my performance in exercise has improved a lot. And more importantly, in terms of mental health, exercise has given me so much redemption.
Looking back, the sports I liked in 2022 were weightlifting, skiing, hiking, and Pilates.
Weightlifting itself has a lot of technicality, and I enjoy the process of finding these techniques. I also enjoy the process of being able to lift heavier weights and becoming stronger. Besides the reasons related to this sport itself, I like weightlifting because I believe it is a way to confront the male gaze in action, and more importantly, the weightlifting community makes me feel like I belong here. However, because weightlifting requires high requirements for equipment, venues, and coaches, I didn't have many opportunities to train, only in February and June.
My love for skiing started with a skiing experience when I was twelve or thirteen years old. It was in the afternoon when the day session was about to close, and there were very few people on the ski slope. The sky was turning blue, and fine snowflakes were falling. I rushed down the slope, with the wind howling in my ears, and I smelled the taste of freedom. I can't forget that feeling until now. It made me hold onto my love for skiing all these years, even though I didn't know how to ski well. Finally, in January last year, I had the opportunity to learn snowboarding systematically, although I only learned it three or four times, just learned how to turn, and I still can't ride the edges. I hope I can continue to learn a few more times at the beginning of this year.
I naturally have a good impression of sports that bring me closer to nature, and hiking is no exception. I went hiking four times last year, one of which was a two-day camping trip, and the other three were day trips. One regret is that I went to Dali twice last year, stayed there for about a month in total, but either because of lack of time or because I was infected with the Omi-Cron virus and took a long time to recover, I didn't go hiking in Cangshan Mountain. I just took a cable car up the mountain and wandered around.
I started practicing Pilates around October last year. But after I started, I quickly realized that I really liked it because I heard that Pilates originated in Nazi concentration camps and was a type of exercise suitable for practicing in prison. Moreover, Pilates helps improve the performance of other sports (such as weightlifting, skiing, and hiking) that I like.
But in terms of long-term health indicators, the results are not very good, but not too optimistic either. It may be because the harm of irregular sleep to the body is too great, and my persistence and care in exercise and diet are still lacking, or it may be due to many anxieties and pressures, the overall result is that my body fat percentage and blood lipids have increased, and my menstrual cycle was only normal for June and July.
Growth#
Apart from being influenced by thoughts and mentality, the two months of lockdown also gave me some positive inspiration: I have a bit of understanding of what a community is, and I even see the possibility of democratic autonomy in it. Although I would have the thought "how dare I dream like this" when this idea came to mind, I will always remember the beauty of this first encounter in life.
Camus said, "Love does not make us less selfish, but it makes us aware of it and makes us begin to yearn for a selfless distant country." In the past year, I have gained a deeper understanding of what love is, what kind of country of love I want to build, what I can give, and what I expect. I see my weaknesses and selfishness, but I also see my courage and determination.
I have always lamented in a pessimistic way that it becomes harder to make friends as I grow older, but unexpectedly, in the second half of 2022, I met many new friends through Web3. I can imagine the possibilities of connecting with others again, and I seem to have regained some confidence. Life is like a floating duckweed, constantly changing, and it is sad when it disperses because I really dislike parting, so I always say that there is no feast that doesn't end. But there have been moments when it was really lively for me. The future is uncertain, and I don't have much optimism, but no matter what, I will cherish this time very much.
In terms of work, my role is gradually transitioning from an engineer to a lead, but I always feel that I haven't become an excellent engineer yet, and I am still confused about how to be a qualified lead. I envy others who can do everything well, but I also understand that I have to accept and love myself. "Find your own horizon, only compare with your past self" is a truth I realized in sports, and it also applies to work, but it requires more practice.
Outlook#
Inwardly, in the new year, I hope to focus on health, spiritual world, and efficiency.
[Health] I hope to continue to adhere to the sports mentioned above and improve my performance in sports. At the same time, I hope to learn more about health-related knowledge and lower my body fat and blood lipid levels. I don't have any expectations for regular sleep, quitting caffeine, or alcohol.
[Spiritual World] The more turbulent the outside world is, the more we need a stable spiritual world. I hope to read more books this year, have more reflection and organization, and strive to build a richer and stronger spiritual world. Another luxury wish is to spend more time playing games.
[Efficiency] I am not a person who pursues efficiency above all else, but I have so many things I want to do and I am greedy to do them well, so I must learn to improve efficiency to accomplish more in limited time.
Outwardly, I hope I can continue to wander freely, see a broader world, and create more beauty with loved ones.
In the long run, I hope to become a more generous and powerful person, to better understand what is happening in the world, to understand the problems I want to solve, and to understand the solutions.