This year seems to have been very long, and indeed a lot has happened. Good, bad, mundane, absurd—so much, some of which is hard to look back on, but more of it are precious memories that I hope to cherish forever in my heart.
The biggest change in life this year should be moving from China to Spain, along with many decisions and events that followed, some of which hurt the people who love me.
There have also been many ups and downs in my mindset. The biggest gain is that I feel I am living more "peacefully," no longer so lost. I am increasingly accepting of my own appearance, and I no longer constantly question what I truly want. I understand that this is not the right question, because desires are endless; there is always something else you want, and nothing is truly what you "really" want. I feel that what I have is neither too much nor too little, I am neither rushing nor lagging behind, I am on the path to becoming the person I want to be. I need less and less external validation, to the point where my desire to express myself is even fading, because I value experiencing life in the moment more. I still often struggle, but I have more courage to move forward with intention.
However, it is worth mentioning that achieving this is not about thinking, but rather about not thinking. To see, to listen, to do, to feel, rather than to think.
If I follow my thoughts from last year, it would be as mentioned in the year-end summary, that this escapist idea made me feel like I was becoming numb and despicable little by little. But now I more comfortably accept this point, "Where there is a way, it is seen; where there is no way, it is hidden."
People tend to selectively forget extremely painful things; this seems to be a kind of protective mechanism. At least for me, this is true. But I also know that forgetting is never truly forgetting; painful fragments will always return in unexpected forms to entangle oneself, sometimes making me cry out in sorrow in dreams, and sometimes causing me to panic and spasm in reality.
I can only choose to accept the limits of my abilities; no matter what, I should take care of myself first. I accept the meaninglessness of life, accept the absurdity of the world, and accept my contentment with the status quo.
Although I am sure that a large part of this mindset is due to the environmental factors around me, the sun in Madrid is healing me. I don't know how long this mindset will last; in fact, maintaining this mindset may not necessarily be good, as it can indeed be overly negative. Let it be. "Life is for experiencing, and the heart is for breaking." At least I have experienced it.
Review of 2024#
Footprints#
This year I didn't go to many places; as mentioned, I mainly did one thing: moved from living in China to living in Madrid.
Why Spain? Let's skip the practical factors for now; the seeds of emotion probably took root long ago. My longing for Spain can probably be traced back to my teenage years when I was amazed by the romantic world depicted by San Mao, "Why wander far away, for the olive tree in my dreams."
People often ask me why I don't travel around Europe now that I'm in Madrid. Why should I? I think living in Madrid is great. The detailed experience of connecting with the local culture, feeling, and trying to integrate into local life (even though I can never truly integrate) is wonderful. During road trips, the vehicle speeds past one city after another, carelessly and freely, but sometimes it inevitably feels lonely.
I like Madrid, but I know I will still leave here. I don't understand why, even though I hate farewells and loneliness so much. Perhaps it's because the pirate flag is calling me. "Freedom comes at a price," I keep brainwashing myself.
Speaking of my footprints in 2024, I spent 7 days or more in the following cities/counties: Xi'an, Beijing, Chongli, Shanghai, Hainan, Wudang Mountain, and Madrid. Other cities/countries I visited include Yulin, Hong Kong, Germany (Munich), and Austria (Innsbruck).
Beijing, Shanghai, and Xi'an seem to be unavoidable routine stops. But I am sure I like Xi'an; I have seriously thought about what I like about Xi'an, and in the end, I found that what I like most is the feeling of being surrounded by Shaanxi dialect as soon as I return to Xi'an.
It's hard to talk about love or dislike for Beijing and Shanghai.
The trip to Wudang Mountain gave me great inspiration. It didn't make me understand many things right away, but experiencing some concrete things helped me better understand the illusory side of some delusions. I have read the principles, but the hands-on experience is more important to me.
After arriving in Europe, I took the time to meet a relative I hadn't seen since childhood and two friends I had known for five years in Germany. From all corners of the world, I never expected everyone to reunite in Munich. Even though I have heard many complaints from people living in Germany about the country, my actual impression of Germany is much better than I expected.
Love, Loneliness, and Foreign Lands#
Many events that happened in the first half of this year made me overly pessimistic about love, even about having loved. "Life is still very lonely, but I don't believe love is the redemption." This was a note I wrote on my phone after having two drinks alone on the night of July 30, 2024. "Love is an imported product," I have written quite a few notes discussing this topic.
But later, when I reread Camus's quote, "Love does not make us less selfish, but it can make us aware of it and lead us to yearn for a distant land without selfishness," I felt an infinite emotion that made me want to believe in the power of love and have many, many expectations.
In the second half of the year, I was repeatedly surrounded by a familiar feeling of loneliness in a foreign land. When talking with friends, I was asked if there was any profound connection when living in China. Naturally, there wasn't. The loneliness of big cities is all too familiar. At first glance, it seems reasonable. But that's not the case. No matter how out of place you feel, in China, you never need to "integrate" because you already are. Under heaven, there is no land that is not the king's. Your anger is justified, and your fate is shared with others in every breath. But there, it is not home.
p.s. A very moving blog I read about the loneliness and confusion of new immigrants: https://www.chicheng.run/posts/fujian-women-immigration-review/
Not Being Defined#
In last year's year-end summary, I mentioned the confusion of identity. Yes, I find it hard to define myself, feeling out of place with the world over and over again. Self-identifying as a digital nomad, I actually don't want to label myself this way, nor do I want to integrate into the so-called "digital nomad" community. I always feel this is a superficial state; I want to say I want to integrate locally, but I am destined not to be able to. Moreover, a real man should yearn for the azure sea and the lofty mountains.
I am attached to the prosperity of the city, yet I also pride myself on being "inherently fond of hills and mountains"; I am intoxicated by the East Asian-style subtlety of "the moonlight is beautiful tonight," but I also like the bold and passionate Latin American romance; I mock the hustle and bustle for a few coins, yet I also understand the truth of "poor couples have all sorts of woes."
The combination of a Sun in Aquarius and a Leo rising seems to destined me to be a contradictory entity. I choose to accept that "not being defined" itself is a form of identity.
Living in the Moment#
I previously mentioned the loneliness in a foreign land, but of course, this is not the whole story. Coming to Spain is undoubtedly exciting and joyful, but it doesn't carry any epic sense of meaning or mission; it's just a journey of a panicked mouse. I don't want to talk about the fresh air of freedom, nor do I want to criticize some grand abstract concepts; I just want to love specific people, live in a specific life, and I hope to understand this world more while maintaining a kind and brave soul. I want to sincerely appreciate every moment of being an ant yet beautiful as a god.
And this, to a large extent, is what Spain has taught me. There is a vibrant spirit of living in the moment in Spanish culture that fascinates me.
Here is a quote from Maugham's "Spanish Theme Variations":
In Spain, people are poetry, painting, and architecture. People are the philosophy of this country. These Spaniards of the Golden Age lived, felt, and acted, but they did not think. They pursued and discovered life, a life that is restless, passionate, and diverse. Passion is the seed of their lives, and passion is also the flower they bloom. … Their excellence lies in different directions: it is a kind of excellence of character. In this regard, I think no one can surpass them; only the ancient Romans can compete with them. This energetic nation seems to have poured all its vitality and creativity into one goal, a single goal: the creation of humanity. They are not good at art; they are good at something greater than art—people.
This year I began to question and reflect on many things, including whether engaging in "creative activities" is truly worth pursuing. The two most passionate activities in the second half of the year were learning languages and exercising. Engaging in these activities certainly contains a creative aspect, but overall, they are not typical creative activities, yet they made me feel very grounded and satisfied. Language allows me to connect with more people/cultures, and physical fatigue prevents me from overthinking. That's enough.
Looking Forward to 2025#
I don't have many thoughts on worldly ambitions; wealth and status are not my concern. It’s good to be able to make money, but if not, I can only accept my fate; it’s good to have a carefree life, but when fate comes, I must choose to be brave.
My expectation for the new year is to see more, hear more, do more, and feel more, and to think less.
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Master the language better and connect with more people
- A question I thought about a long time ago is that we always want this and that, for example, to speak many languages. So if we could easily achieve these, would we really be happy? The answer seems to be no. Precisely because we are not omniscient and omnipotent gods, we can occasionally experience the joy that transcends our insignificance when connecting with more people and feeling needed, affirmed, loved, and respected.
- The premise of connecting with people must involve a certain degree of boundary infringement between individuals. This is what I am least good at. I want to practice mutual indebtedness and help each other more comfortably.
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An even stronger body
- Will the development of AI make me anxious? No. AI cannot replace me in training; it won't make me jump higher, lift heavier, or run faster. I want a stronger, stronger, stronger body.
- However, as healthy and sustainable as possible. I really don't want to get injured anymore; I want to exercise until I grow old.
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Read more books and write more words
- At least have a portable refuge to escape to. Just seeking peace of mind.
Previous Year-End Summaries#
Review 2023: Living Will Reveal
2022: Era and Destiny | Written on the Eve of My 25th Birthday