It is a new year after all, and I have the courage to start over, so I decided to continue the long-delayed "weekly digest" series weekly digest. By the way, I changed the name of the weekly digest to "weekly journal" because "weekly digest" is too long and confusing... I chose "weekly journal" instead of "weekly report" because most of what I write doesn't really have anything to report, it's just my own record.
I've actually been thinking about restarting for a while, but every time I think about how long it's been since I last wrote, I feel a lot of pressure to start again. Finally, I decided to start fresh with the new year.
This is the journal for the week of December 31, 2023, to January 6, 2024.
I saw someone discussing on Xiaohongshu before, if you ask Siri in different regions to remind you to commit suicide, how Siri would respond ↗️. "Come to the human world, look at the sun more," is the reply I saw from Oppo's intelligent voice in the comments, and I really like it.
I haven't really left the house this week, and it wasn't until Saturday that I saw the sun without a glass barrier. Although I didn't shed tears of joy, I did feel that kind of feeling in my heart. "Come to the human world, look at the sun," I silently repeated this phrase in my heart.
What makes you feel that the day is not bad?#
Since the start of work on January 2, there have been many things happening, and as a result, my schedule has been messed up and I haven't been feeling well. Staying up late, taking naps during the day, not getting enough rest, sitting for long periods of time, not having the energy to exercise, not going out, not seeing the sun... It's not that I don't have time to get up or exercise, it's just that the vicious cycle caused by staying up late is the root cause of everything, because I haven't had enough rest, so I lack energy.
This is not the state I want. I want to break this vicious cycle. During the thought process, I suddenly realized that the sun is crucial. My mood improves in the sunlight, and if I make an effort to be in contact with the sun every day, I can also avoid sitting for long periods of time. The sun also helps me produce melatonin, allowing me to sleep earlier and better... I need the sun! (Ah, I miss the days when I worked in an open-air café on University Road, I really love the sunlight) (So for me, the UK would probably be the last option to run to)
A while ago, a friend in the community said that although work is shit, as long as she exercises every day, she feels that the day is not bad. After that, I have been thinking, what would be my answer? What can make me feel that the day is not bad?
Is it also exercise? It doesn't seem right. Although I love exercising, the satisfaction brought by different exercises is not the same, and the exercises that bring high satisfaction are not something I can do every day (like skiing).
Did I continue to strive for information freedom today? It seems too abstract and grand. I was born with a pessimistic color of "life is like a dream", and talking about great and distant meanings on those nights of gains and losses does not make me feel any comfort.
Did I read a book today? It's getting closer. I need a refuge that I can "escape" into at any time. Even if I haven't accomplished anything in a day, what I need is not a well-structured and complex answer, but just a straw that prevents me from drowning in this bustling world. I don't want to know how to solve problems, I don't want to deal with the foolishness of humanity, I mock all the fuss for a few pieces of silver, I just want to get drunk.
I read in a blog on xlog before, it mentioned "What I seek is just a moment of tranquility when I open a book", and I deeply agree. But the fact is that I don't always have this tranquility. Something is still missing.
Sunlight is missing. I need the joy and tranquility that sunlight brings.
How can I consider a day as not bad? I think I have an answer. If I have at least one small moment of joy and tranquility, then the day is not bad. Reason cannot redeem me, understanding that I am closer to a so-called goal today than yesterday does not make me feel at ease and fulfilled when the moon rises. Even if I occasionally understand the reasons behind many things, I still feel empty in the darkness. But if there are moments of joy and tranquility in a day, I can escape into the memories of those moments with gratitude and fall asleep peacefully.
Life#
On December 31 and January 1, I leisurely celebrated the New Year with my parents. Starting from January 2 to January 5, as mentioned above, it was a dark and gloomy workday. I hope to go to bed early and get more sunlight and exercise next week. On January 6, I went ice skating with my cousin. Ice skating is not my favorite type of sport overall because it's too "elegant," but I do enjoy the speed and freedom on the ice.
Input and Output#
This week, I am reading "The Clown's Flower" by Osamu Dazai, a collection of short stories. I bought this book a long time ago but never read it, and recently I suddenly felt like picking it up to read. But when I opened it, I felt like I had read several of the stories before. After some research, I found out that I had indeed read three of them in another collection of short stories. Then I compared and realized that I have read almost all of Osamu Dazai's writings, except for a few stories.
My state of mind has changed somewhat, and reading Osamu Dazai is no longer the feeling of meeting someone late in my youth. I can now understand why some people who don't like Osamu Dazai say that he is self-indulgent and pretentious. But I also understand more about reading, especially reading novels, it is a very personal thing, and the so-called ratings on Douban are not very meaningful. Liking a book is only a small part of the reason because the book is well written. It is more because you feel a resonance in it. If there is truly an emotion that cannot resonate, or if you resist resonating, then no matter how well the novel is written, it is useless. Don't be bound by the quantified scores on Douban or any other rating software. The love and hate behind it are far more complex and rich than a number.
I finished writing the year-end summary for 2023 this week. I hope the new year can make me a more organized person, so I am also planning to make more specific and feasible plans for 2024 and regular review plans.
See you next week.