This article is a summary of the period from March 19, 2023 to March 25, 2023.
Scene#
He looked at her attentively. Even when he closed his eyes, he could still see her. He breathed in her face. He breathed in the breath of a child in front of him, closing his eyes and inhaling the heat emitted from her body. The boundaries of this body gradually became unclear. This body was different from other bodies. It was not limited, it had no boundaries, and it continued to expand in this room. It did not have a fixed form, constantly forming, and it existed not only in the place he saw, but also in other places. It appeared beyond his sight, moving towards motion, towards death, extending. It was flexible and changeable, starting in joy, and the whole followed. It was like an adult, growing up without evil intentions, but with a kind of terrifying intelligence.
Excerpt from "Lover".
This passage is a description of sexual intercourse between the male and female protagonists in the novel "Lover" when they are about to separate. The perspective of the description is from the female protagonist (the author). If there is a question of how to describe a sexual encounter without using any genital words, I think this passage can be considered exemplary. Words like "expanding", "limitless" describe greed and intensity, but at the end, it is clearly felt - "extending towards death", "terrifying intelligence" - it returns to heavy despair and fear of the unknown.
Speaking of sexual descriptions, I remember there is a very clever description in the first part of the book.
His hands were excellent, truly skilled. I was so lucky. Obviously, it was a kind of skill, and he indeed had that skill. How to do it, what to say, he didn't know, but he did it without any mistakes, very accurately. He treated me like a prostitute, a lowly woman. He said I was his only love, and of course he should say that, so let him say it. Whatever he said, let him do it according to what he said. Let the body do what he wanted, seek, find, take, and get. Very good, all good, there is no unnecessary waste, everything is repackaged, everything is carried away by the rushing water, everything is washed away by the power of desire.
Excerpt from "Lover".
This passage describes the first sexual encounter between the male and female protagonists. It can be clearly seen that there is a sense of freshness, and the air is filled with a relaxed and even frivolous joy. It forms a sharp contrast with the later hopeless decline.
As for my own life this week, I have hardly left the house a few times, so there is nothing worth recording.
Life#
Due to a foot injury, I have been resting this week. Apart from going to the movies on the weekend for entertainment, I have hardly left the house and have not done any exercise. The result of staying at home is a chaotic sleep schedule. I sleep from five to seven in the morning every day, and the time I wake up depends on whether I have something to do the next morning. Sometimes I may sleep two or three times a day, with each nap not exceeding four hours. In short, it's a mess, and I haven't seen the sun for a week. Next week, I hope to spend most of my time at home. I don't expect my sleep schedule to fully return to normal, but I plan to gradually resume exercising.
Insult to Intelligence and Economic Loss#
As mentioned above, one day in the early morning when my brain was not very clear and the ladder was shaking, the network was also very slow. I was annoyed and in a state of browsing the web with an empty mind. I didn't know what I was doing and I clicked several confirmations on Metamask in a row... After clicking, I suddenly felt something was wrong and immediately became alert. The web was still slow, and after a while, I finally opened the scan page - sure enough, it was too late. Regret, too late.
The economic loss is one aspect, and on the other hand, I feel that my intelligence has been insulted. I feel like a fool. I can't believe I fell for such a low trick as a phishing website. Fortunately, I am good at comforting myself. After all, "spending all my money and coming back" is a phrase I often say (although I like this phrase more because of the first half: "When the child is about to leave, exchange for fine wine" :P). I comfort myself by saying that I probably need to be slapped twice to have enough alertness. SIGN IT IF YOU MEAN IT, this is the first rule of survival in the dark forest. I hope I always remember.
Growth#
I will eventually build my own life.
One day, when I leaned against the wall at my parents' house, I suddenly thought of this. Will I choose to buy a house somewhere in the future? It would be a completely different experience from renting a house, right? It feels like... a sense of rooting. Will that be the life I choose to build? If so, where would I choose to settle down? And if I continue to live like I am now, constantly renting and traveling, can that be considered the life I choose? Regardless of which kind of life, it will be "me" starting from scratch - not just the cost of living, but the entire system of life.
Life.
It brings me back to those classic questions - what is a good life? What is the meaning of life? How should we view our current attachments? How should we spend our short lives? How will I look back on my life when I am old? How can I accept my messy life and bravely face death? If I become that greedy and afraid of death old person, how should I face my own ugly posture?... If there really is a God, these questions would probably be easily answered. But that would be escaping from freedom, and I cannot choose to believe in God. The only choice in front of me is existentialism.
Input and Output#
This week, I watched "Bellflower Journey" (in theaters) and the theatrical version of "Yuru Camp". "Bellflower Journey" is... a review of it can be found here. As for the theatrical version of "Yuru Camp", it was just average. I didn't expect it to be a story about entrepreneurship, but it is labeled as a youth idol anime, yet it lacks the passion and growth (even after watching it, my conclusion is: working with the government is indeed troublesome). It is also not detailed or profound enough to be a slice-of-life anime. In short, it's very ordinary. I haven't watched anime or movies for a long time, but after watching two movies this weekend, I feel like my appetite has been whetted, and now I really want to find some good stories to watch.
This week, I finished reading "Lover" by Marguerite Duras. The most classic line in this book is the opening paragraph:
At that time, you were still young, everyone said you were beautiful. Now, I am here to tell you that, for me, I think you are more beautiful now than when you were young. That is because you are a young woman. Compared to your appearance at that time, I love your current ravaged face more.
Before I read this book, the deep affection and infatuation that transcends time and space in this passage had fascinated me for a long time. Although I have let go of many attachments now and can accept the coming and going of people in the world, I still cherish the beauty of "reuniting with important people in the end". I mean truly reuniting, without the need for further interaction. For me, this ending is enough to redeem all the struggles and pain that came before.
One of the biggest feelings after reading this book is that literary works are really difficult to understand. There are many subtle emotions, and I can feel the beautiful rhythm of the words and vaguely sense the emotions behind the words, but I am far from being able to perceive the different emotional dimensions behind the metaphors and imagery, and grasp the direction of the story. I think the writing style of this book, whether it is the jumping of time and space or the transformation of character roles, is too abrupt and greatly increases the difficulty of reading.
In addition, xLog has launched a creator incentive program. In order to receive timely notifications of whether I have received tips from others or new comments, and to better track the new works of bloggers I like, I created a small tool called xToti - a Telegram bot that allows custom message notifications and sends messages to my Telegram channel. It is currently a first version for personal use, and there are a series of planned updates, including the ability to directly reply to messages in the Telegram channel across platforms on Crossbell.