Can you roar in despair? If you roar until you have no strength left, what comes after? Is it numbness? What if you don't have the talent for numbness? What if you can't deceive your conscience? What comes after that?
It's a state of dullness.
On November 12, 2022, a friend in Beijing who was under lockdown shared her recent situation with me: "I went downstairs to pick up a delivery and unexpectedly found the prison gate open. I strolled around, but couldn't find the package."
I can guess that although her community is under lockdown, the outside of the prison is still full of vitality. In April and May of this year, I looked despairingly at the streets outside the iron sheet and the world beyond, but I had no desire to escape. Because when the entire city becomes a prison, with no open public places, no operating public transportation, and no one to meet, there is no meaning for me to go out. Where can I go? It's just from room A to room B in the prison. Can I leave Shanghai? Even if I leave Shanghai, where can I go?
I even began to doubt if freedom is just an illusion. Looking back to when I wasn't confined at home, even if I had the so-called freedom to move, the choices I could make seemed limited - the gym, a few familiar cafes and bars. It's as if my actions were on a predetermined path, and I thought it was my own free choice, but it was actually conditioned. Even if I go further, even if I can leave Shanghai, aren't my actions and my life still following a predetermined route? Does the size of the range of action really matter? A cat spending its entire life in a few dozen square meters of an apartment is not imprisonment. Is it necessary for a person's life to go to many places? So, what's the difference between not being able to go out now and before? At that time, I was neither angry nor sad, just silently staring into space, contemplating. If there were any emotions, it was fear. I had thoughts like "freedom is a hypocritical illusion" while being afraid of having these thoughts and even accepting them.
Although looking back now, I could have resisted the tendency to deny freedom with stronger actions. Even urban survival would be exciting, but I knew that I couldn't do it at that time. The road was open, but I didn't run.
It was a grand PUA, and I couldn't resist the temptation to deny the meaning of all actions.
Later on, I rarely had these metaphysical thoughts. It was probably a self-protective mechanism, and the three meals a day also consumed too much of my energy. Although I didn't live in the hunting and gathering era, my efficiency in obtaining food seemed similarly low - besides sleeping and eating, my time was spent on searching for food. Especially since I was used to consuming a lot of vegetables, and vegetables were extremely precious. Shanghai qing on the transparent pole, yellowing hollow vegetables, wilted lettuce, yellowing cucumbers, moldy cabbage leaves, hollowed-out bamboo shoots and pulled-out bamboo shoot leaves, sprouting potatoes... I lowered my standards for food while mechanically storing energy for survival; at the same time, I increased my appreciation and greed for food, using all my strength like a tiger pouncing on prey every time I had the opportunity to replenish food, even if the amount I obtained far exceeded my consumption rate.
It was a grand PUA, and I felt like I was living like a slave.
Looking back on those days, I feel ashamed. Even if I am not in the so-called "prison" now, I still feel that my soul has been branded as a former slave. I am ashamed of my passive surrender to the questioning of freedom and self, and ashamed of compromising and greed for food. Although my rationality knows that it is not my fault at all.
In a grand PUA, at the beginning, you may feel angry and perhaps think about many things like a hellish mind, but what comes after when you have no strength to continue?
I know, it's a state of dullness different from numbness.
I don't know how many storms I will face in the future, how many times I will be caught in one whirlpool after another. If there is a next time, I hope I can be more proactive and have more initiative, although I don't want there to be a next time.